Saturday, January 28, 2012
The transfinite species are just as much at the disposal of the intentions of the Creator & His absolute boundless will as are the finite numbers.
- Georg Cantor
Labels: Shorties
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2:52 AM
If I was taught Mathematics in all its glory, I am very definite that I would adore Mathematics. More than I love English or Art.
& that is saying something, as I have only passed Mathematics once during my Form Six. Everything around us is Maths. It's not Science- Science as we know it is man-made. There are still mistakes. It's Maths. You cannot explain how 1 is a single number with all those decimals between it and 2. You cannot explain zero. You cannot explain infinity. You cannot explain why you cannot cube root a negative number. 1 to 9, then we start again at 10. It just... Is. Math just is.
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2:29 AM
Monday, January 16, 2012
I don't know what to do.
What would he want me to do?
Maybe one of the things he would not want me to do is to ask him what he would want me to do.
Then how would I know?
Try loh. Just step on the tiles & see what booby trap each tile may or may not trigger loh.
I don't want to be obsessive. I don't like it.
But you can't help feeling scared when you're hanging onto something on the edge of a cliff that have let you down, literally, twice already.
& when you are let down, the only thing you can do is hope that the fall won't kill you.
What I want to say is?
I'd just deleted what I wanted to say.
Suck it up, Carmelia. Don't you DARE cry.
Labels: Recordings
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2:00 AM
Friday, January 13, 2012
I would want to be a veterinarian.
So I could neuter/spay & treat all the strays I see on the street.
& maybe have the know-how to start a Shelter.
Labels: Shorties
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10:27 PM
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Nigel Nathan Chin messaged me in Facecake concerning Nigel Chee's birthday.
Carmelia! Hi. Haha I was wondering if you know If Nigel has anything planned for his birthday. Cause he's been super helpful with my birthday and been a really great friend to me the past weeks and i feel that I should do something for his bday. Maybe we can plan something for him? Do you know if he has anything planned on his bday?
No, I didn't know.
In the end, Nigel Chin planned a surprise for Nigel, with tight cooperation from Kimberly Chee (Nigel's gorgeous sister) & mum (Nigel's efficient, but can't really throw a surprise party, mum).
I couldn't do much.
1. I couldn't correspond with Kimberly & Nigel's mum. The mum doesn't really like me.
2. I didn't know many of Nigel's close friends.
Plan was, Kim/mum brings Nigel out at night. We go from Nigel Chin's house to Nigel's house, set up the stuff, & when he arrives, surprise him.
One thing I knew for sure was: Nigel Chee is a sharp guy. If you want to surprise him, you had better pull up your sleeves & do it properly.
Everything went well. I was in charge of getting the drinks. I wanted to go to CKS- stuff is cheaper there, & I was sure they'd have more variety of drinks.
But mum only got home after 5. I had to be ready at Nigel Chin's by 6.
Mum drove me to Pick & Pay, where I reloaded, got the drinks, & got the ice, while mum fetched Sophia from school nearby. I had to wait till they arrived to get the heavy drinks before I went into 7/11 for the ice.
When I arrived at Nigel Chin's, they didn't seem as friendly as I'd expected. So mostly I, and Clement Lee, scratched & pampered one of Nigel Chin's little fluffy dogs, on the sofa.
I started to memorize names.
Nigel Chee left the house with the driver. We got into two cars, & went over to Nigel's house. Got dinner set up.
Then waited.
The girls were bezzies, I could see :) The guys, that is, Clement, Nicholas & JR, talked to me more. I like how comfortable they all were with each other.
Finally, we bundled up into Nigel Chee's room. Waited.
I felt a bit important, as I was the one texting him all the time. He told me he was suspicious. He knew his mum had something planned at home. All the time I was lying to him about how I was home, dinner, talking to family about brother's birthday.
I think I did pretty well, but Nigel said he knew I was in with the plan. LIAR.
When he entered the house, his mum started shouting at him about a dead rat in his room.
Nigel, being Nigel, obviously already knew about the surprise. He wanted to go upstairs. His mum pushed him down. Kept telling him to go to his room.
Adui.
He opened the door. Surprise!
Hugs.
I spent the night just chilling. I did talk with them, but very little.
At one point I felt like crying. It's not a strange feeling to me, anymore. It comes when I see Nigel in a setting of friends & family- loved ones. His world.
I probably feel overwhelmed by how- I know this is going to sound cliche & mushy- beautiful the setting was, & also, by the fear of me not being able to fit in.
It's not that I'm not cheerful & noisy & talkative & a good friend & warm.
It's that, I know how close they are with each other, & that kind of closeness took a lot of time. Time I will never be able to have with all of them.
So in a way, forever, whenever we are in that setting, I'd be separated.
They had a 'mini group photo session'. I realized, I wasn't in a 'group'. I was not in the All Saint bunch. I wasn't in the church bunch. Or family bunch. Or best guyfriends bunch. Or whatever bunch. I am Nigel's girlfriend.
Singular.
Food was good, but I did not have any appetite at all.
I enjoyed just sitting back & listening to them chat with each other.
Picture taking sessions! The instagram was cool :D But the two pictures I took home with me have fingerprints on them now. :(
Then I joined Kara, Nicholas & Clement at the dining table, just listening to jokes. Kara is a really good joke-teller.
Recap of the people who were there:
1. Nigel Nathan Chin: He's a cool guy who can make people laugh at his will. I've realized that he's actually not quite... the soft kind of guy I'd expected him to be. Organizer of surprise party.
2. Joshua Ronald: He talks with me comfortably & asked me a few times if I was okay & if I needed anything, stuff like that that showed concern. Nigel Chee's bestfriend since last time bha tu :)
3. Nicholas Lee: The person I was most comfortable with, besides Nigel Chee & Clement Lee. Known him longer than the rest.
4. Clement Lee: A very cool guy. Unlike most people, he seems to be able to hear me when I speak to him, & he responds.
5. Kara Harris: I can sense a very confident but low-down cool aura about her. The kind of girl whom people might not notice at first glance, but when they get to know her, they would really like & respect her. Especially adults.
6. Vanessa: More Chinese looking than the rest of her girlfriends. This was how I managed to distinguish her from the other girls anyway. She talked to me the most, though the rest came in very close.
7. Jia Shuan/Shyuan?: Cute round face, Chinese looking, but looks more... Matured/cool than the others. She doesn't talk much, but when I initiated conversation, she was pretty warm.
8. Beatrice: Slightly slimmer than the rest. She wore pink. I am not sure if I could distinguish her from Brenda when I see them again. Very nice girl :) She is in the instax picture with me & the two Nigels.
9. Brenda: A bit more Chinese looking that Beatrice, I think. My first impression of her when I got to Nigel Chin's house was that she & Vanessa were bestfriends forever. They looked so chummy & warm together!
10. Chong: I heard a story about Nigel Chin calling Chong's house & getting stuck because he didn't remember Chong's full name. So I called him The Chong. He's easy to recognize because he has a pretty Anime boy face.
11. Daniel: JR's younger brother, Form 4. Very quiet. Looks like the stable kind. I contemplated chatting with him, but decided against it because I was a bit too tired to carry a conversation properly. He seems well-liked by his brother's peer, which I find unusually cool.
12. Kimberly Chee: Nigel Chee's gorgeous sister. I like her voice, her figure, her face, her attitude. She's just cool.
13. Chiu Lai Har: Nigel Chee's pretty awesome mum. She can be funny when she wants to, & she mingles with Nigel's friends very well.
14. Yu Chen: I thought Yu Chen was a girl a few days ago when Clement said on Facecake that he was bringing Yu Chen somewhere. He just had a haircut, which made him resemble JR a little. He also had conjunctivitis, but it was pretty minor. Quietly playful guy.
15. Jane: Indian girl :) Not immediately noticeable. Likeable, because of her demure attitude.
16. Hannah: The girl in yellow & rimstone hairband. Chinese looking, cute face, usually seen sticking by Jane.
17. Nigel Chee: Birthday boy. Cool boy. Awesome boy. But since I'm the girlfriend, you wouldn't believe me anyway because you'd think my judgement is biased.
Then there's me. The girlfriend with the long curly hair, wearing a tight purple, long sleeved shirt, & frilly skirt. Well endowed. Shy. Quiet. Friendly.
JR sent me home. They left early because Daniel has school. JR was going to the beach to see the beached porpoise whale.
I gave Nigel the handmade bookmark. It wasn't much, but it wouldn't clutter up his living space. & I think a bookmark is always useful, for someone who reads a lot.
Again, happy birthday, darling. This is the second birthday you had that I'd spent with you. How I wish I could have spent many more before this with you... But no.
I wouldn't want to change anything in the past, because everything in the past has brought me to you.
Happy, happy birthday.
Labels: Recordings
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11:54 PM
Mum have always said I adopt an "五分钟热度" attitude towards the things I do- I get fired up for five minutes, but then cool down, & don't get anything accomplished. I'm trying to change. Once upon a time, when something doesn't progress as well as I thought it would, I'd abandon the whole project. But now, no matter how crappy it looks at the moment... I just keep going.
Life's too short. So many things to do, so little time.
Labels: Shorties
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1:01 PM
Sleeping all day, staying up all night.
Even better, sleeping all day, staying out all night.
I wonder how people sneak into & out from their houses. Footsteps make a lot of noises, you know.
So does jeans. Cotton shorts are more quiet.
You have to step on tip toes, & when you land each tip, you land in a rolling down motion. Minimal noise.
Even the clocks in the house are ticking louder than your footsteps. Which is good.
The Big Boss Fight is with my door.
Crappy, noisy door.
I started sweating. I heard blankets getting tossed a bit inside the master bedroom next to my room. Someone is up.
And there is NO WAY someone who is awake cannot hear my crappy, noisy door open.
So I contemplated. Either I wait until I am sure everyone is asleep, before I open the door, which increases greatly the probability that my entrance into my room would not be detected-
-or I go in straightaway, take off my contacts at Godspeed, & come out again, & make a few small noises as though I went downstairs, & come back up, & go in again, so that if anyone asks about it, I can say I went downstairs for a glass of water.
I decided for the latter. I can act, my story doesn't sound improbable, & I did NOT want to wait until someone comes out from the master bedroom, only to see me freaking out & barging into my bedroom just because I didn't want them to see me frozen in front of my bedroom door with my eyes wide open like a deer caught in headlights.
Phone vibrated while I was standing at my door, wondering what to do.
Good thing I'd silenced it before I started my journey up the stairs.
But the vibration was still loud enough to induce more tossings of the blanket from inside the Master Bedroom.
I barged into my room as quietly as I could. In other words, not quietly at all.
I really did try. I tried turning the knob slowly.
The internal wiring & all that inside the knob? Yeah, I think they were installed by accident into a doorknob & were actually meant for some magical device that lets us communicate with people from the past.
My nightlife is so much more interesting than my daytime stuffs.
Oh, & if mum, or dad, or any other responsible adult who's going to tell my parents or lecture me over this, is reading this-
Please, please understand. I love being nocturnal. I will adjust when I have to. Thank you.
Labels: Recordings
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3:33 AM
Monday, January 9, 2012
A bit stressed out right now.
Boyfriend's birthday tomorrow.
I am worried I might let him down. Nothing special happening.
Sigh.
Labels: Recordings
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10:32 PM
We talked about, if we had to lose one of our five sense, what we would choose to lose.
I picked the sense of taste.
He picked the sense of smell.
I'd considered that, but to not be able to smell him, & flowers, would be worse than to be able to taste food. There are some scents that stay with me till now, & when I inhale them, I get very, very precious nostalgia.
If I can't enjoy food as much, meh. I'll just be thinner, which suits me just fine.
Nigel said he'd considered losing touch. But that wouldn't be good at all.
For one, it'd be dangerous. You can't feel pain. You wouldn't know if something harmful is happening to you.
For another, you wouldn't be able to enjoy hugs, kisses, massages. You would probably let slip a lot of things.
I'd thought of something, before I started this post. About how much would I be willing to lose for Nigel to stay with me.
Let's see.
My hands? No.
My eyesight? Yes.
My ability to write? ...yes.
On second thought, no.
My relationship with my parents? Yes. It'd hurt hell lot but yes.
My legs? Yes.
Everything I have in my room right now? Yes.
My skills at playing the piano? Yes.
My height? Yes.
Every blog I have? ...yes.
Every story I have written? Yes.
Quite a lot.
How about, the things I would lose for Nigel to be happy?
...this sounds too daring, too awesome of me, I suppose.
But everything. Legs, hands.
Whatever physical beauty I possess.
My life.
Everything except my love for God, & my salvation. I want to spend eternity with God.
I didn't feel very brave typing all that out. But I do love him. It's a choice I've made, it's a choice I'm making, to always make that choice, every moment from every moment on.
Labels: Recordings
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2:24 AM
It's not the only thing I want, nor is it topping my priority list.
I just want you to be satisfied with me.
Labels: Shorties
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1:38 AM
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Playing the guitar hurts.
So now, the small thin part of my fingers closest to the nails, inside the part where the nails separate from flesh?
They're becoming callused.
& I'm proud of them.
I enjoy singing & playing the guitar. It is good that I enjoy it, because if I didn't, practising to sing & play at the same time would be kind of torturous.
Because I don't sing well, I don't play well, & my fingertips hurt.
Sometimes my right arm too when I strum too vigorously or for too long at a go. But that's only the muscles.
I have to be careful I don't play the guitar without resting, because more likely than not, I would get finger sores, or worse, Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.
I'm slowly improving. I only knew a few chords back then, so whatever songs I wanted to play, I had to transpose the chords into the chords I knew.
So yeah, I'm quite good with G, A, E, Bminor, D & C now. All easy ones.
Picking up new chords!
:D I like doing stuff.
"There's only two kinds of people in this world. The ones that entertain, & the ones that observe."
I am more of the former.
Labels: Recordings
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7:27 PM
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I'm sleepy now. Maybe tonight will be the first night I actually sleep before 12.
Had a talk with Sister Suk just now.
My thoughts resulting from that roughly go like this:
1. Do I love God enough to put Him first, even if it means making decisions that will hurt like crazy?
2. Do I love God enough to make decisions that pleases Him, even if they are seemingly small, unimportant decisions?
3. Do I trust Nigel enough to be able to love me, whatever happens, however it happens?
Like I told Sister Suk, I do not expect to be able to solve everything soon. Not this year, at least. Probably after university.
You know, God? Whatever. Just put me through whatever you think I should handle & I can handle.
Labels: Recordings
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9:24 PM
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Finally found some old stories I'd written that I enjoy reading now.
There's a series I'd written, the best I'd ever written. When I wrote them, it was like a kick-ass movie unfolding in my mind.
Gone. I forgot how or why, but they're no more.
Labels: Recordings
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11:50 PM
I won't get jealous if you hug or kiss the guy I love. But I will get jealous if you write better stories than I do or play better music than I do or draw better things than I do. I won't sabotage you, but I become really upset & I either start planning to improve, or on go Tumblr for hours to ease the pain.
I just feel bad when other people are better than I am. Just saying.
Labels: Shorties
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10:38 PM
Listening to & downloading Westlife songs on & from Youtube now.
Labels: Recordings
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12:11 AM
I get scared sometimes of wasting time. I think, I'm not enjoying this task. What if I'm wasting my time here? I'd rather go do something better.
But if I had music, it'd be alright. Even if it's the most arduous task. It'd be alright.
Labels: Shorties
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12:01 AM
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
My pre-bed yesterday was quite enjoyable.
Now though. Now it feels as though, the moment I fall asleep (Probably an hour after I get into bed), I'm going to start having nightmares.
& not the fun kind of nightmares either, where I run from dragons & monsters, or the apocalypse is here, or I'm hiding from zombies.
The kind where I get my heart broken by the most random of people. People who, however much I really don't want to give a damn about, make me want to impress them.
& what's worse? I cannot blame them for my heart getting broken because, in the end, the flow chart of Blame will always come back to Me.
Labels: Recordings, This is so negative
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2:18 AM
My thoughts are haunting me right now.
They go like:
1. I suck. I'm so imperfect. I suck.
2. No. I shouldn't think that way. That's too negative.
3. At least I'm prettier than some girls.
4. Oh fuck did I just really think that?
5. It's alright, isn't it? Those girls are still better than I am because they're not shallow, like me. They have a heart of gold. They stay cheerful, and have fun. They're nice & don't seek attention.
6. Then how come I can't be like those girls? I can try, can't I? Try my best?
7. But what if I'm just doing that so I feel better? What if I only try my best to not be shallow so that people like me more?
1. I suck. I'm so imperfect. I suck.
Labels: Recordings
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2:07 AM
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Mum said, recently: "How nice it would be if you and Nigel started off a friends. A friendship is so much more important than a romantic relationship, it's so much more enjoyable."
I know, mum. I wish I could tell you everything. The requirements we'd met to have gone this far.
We became acquaintances.
Requirement was that, after sporadically seeing each other at family gatherings, we met each other at the Api-api Driving Centre, & did not mind befriending the other on Facebook.
We became friends.
Requirement was that we had time to spend with each other. I had nothing to do after SPM, he was waiting to start O levels. We started chatting & texting.
We became good friends.
Requirement was that we had the same interests. We like reading. We like the same songs. I liked what he did, he liked what I wrote.
We became crushes.
Requirement was that, he was something I was not: Strong, driven, reckless. Though, why he fell for me, I still don't know.
We became a couple.
Requirement was that, he knew what he wanted, & I was sure of what I wanted this time.
We stuck by each other.
Requirement was that, he knows what a commitment is, even more so after four relationships. Also, I have always believed in commitment.
We stayed together.
Requirement was that, we're compatible. We do not fit in perfectly, but where we don't fit, we know to adjust & we are willing to.
If you wish for our relationship to not have worked, mum, you'd have a lot of wishing to do.
You'd have to wish, we never met at ADC.
That somehow, since Nigel was not close with me, he'd have rejected my friend request.
That I would not have commented on his status concerning his fan letters.
That he would not have replied me.
That I would not, at the time, have thought him publishing Habibi awesome.
That we were busy and did not have time to chat with each other online.
That the songs he were into at the time & shared with me, were not my taste.
That I didn't have the guts to share with him my private blogs.
That I 'd think he was too stubborn for his own good.
That he'd met some other, better girl.
That I'd met some other guy who fitted in more with my perfect guy description.
That he did not go to that party on Monday night.
That I was not listening to jiwang songs that same night.
That Emery wanted him back by then.
That he never forgave me for offending him.
That he'd decided then, a relationship was not for him.
That I'd gone for A levels instead of Form Six.
That I wasn't such a strong believer in commitment.
That I hate divorces and break ups so much.
It really is too late, mum. If you really don't want this to work, your only chance is if Nigel breaks this up. Because I will never, ever call it quits.
Labels: Recordings
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10:42 PM
Monday, January 2, 2012
Oh, well. I'm just going to pretend 2012 isn't here, you know. She can very well wave in front of me & party with the other people, but I'm just going to ignore her.
Labels: Recordings
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9:45 PM
